19 March, 2016
19 British Foods America Will Never Get To Enjoy
1. Proper Cadbury’s chocolate
Americans just can’t do chocolate. Hershey’s is Cadbury’s shit cousin. And even when you can get Cadbury’s in America you can’t get the full range. What is life without a crumbly light Flake or a tooth-achingly good Crunchie?
No other drink tastes as good hot, chilled, and frozen. It’s basically the taste of all British childhoods. Americans will probably never get to enjoy a simple Ribena, maybe because blackcurrant harvesting was banned in the US until 2003 to prevent the spread of pine disease.
3. Jaffa Cakes
A thin sponge layer, a tangy piece of orange jelly, and a dark chocolate top make up one of the most iconic British BISCUITS. Whether you eat them with the classic “full moon, half moon, total eclipse” method or nibble off all the chocolate and eat the jelly last, Jaffa Cakes are one of the most delicious teatime snacks out there.
Scotland literally runs on Irn-Bru, but it’s almost impossible to get anywhere else. A vaguely orange-flavoured fizzy drink that will cure the most gruesome of hangovers.
5. Black pudding
For the uninitiated, it’s the black circle in the corner there, and it’s mostly just fried blood. It doesn’t sound nice, and it doesn’t look particularly nice, but a breakfast isn’t a full English without it.
Marmite is super salty and savoury, and delicious with butter on toast. Americans don’t understand Marmite because it needs to be eaten in moderation, something America isn’t very good at.
7. Yorkshire puddings
Traditionally enjoyed with a roast dinner covered in gravy, but they’re so good they’d probably go with anything. Nothing makes you hungrier than watching the Yorkshires rise in the oven.
8. Branston Pickle
A plain cheese sandwich is sad; a cheese and Branston Pickle sandwich is a taste sensation.
Do Americans like bacon? Apparently. Do they like crisps? Yes, although they named them wrong. Well, why don’t they have Frazzles then? Because they’re silly.
10. Proper bacon
America seems to be obsessed with bacon, despite having no proper bacon with actual meat in it. Americans only have streaky bacon, which although nice is nothing compared to back bacon.
Not English muffins – there is a very big difference. They are just completely different small, white, round, savoury baked goods. Crumpets have to be toasted and are usually eaten with just butter (maybe jam or Marmite if you’re feeling fancy), and the butter soaks through the holes, making it the most delicious thing.
12. Pickled onion Monster Munch
I think we can all agree that more things should be the flavour of preserved vegetables.
13. Percy Pigs
Marks & Spencer is brilliant at two things: multipacks of knickers, and Percy Pigs. The nicest sweet you can buy and the US doesn’t even know what it’s missing.
14. HP Sauce
Tangier, less sweet, and richer than ketchup. You can’t have a proper bacon sandwich without it.
Americans don’t have Marmite so obviously they won’t understand the concept of a Twiglet, but trust us, they’re moreish.
There is no good reason Americans don’t have Lilt. It seems like the kind of thing they’d like, full of sugar and not particularly good for you, but they won’t find it in their local 7/11.
17. Prawn cocktail crisps
It doesn’t sound like a good flavour, but somehow it is the best flavour.
18. Sausage rolls
Nothing is more simple than sausage meat wrapped in pastry, but apparently that is too complicated for Americans. When it comes to sausage rolls, the posh ones are nice, but nothing beats the greasy Greggs version.
19. Kinder Surprise
They’re illegal in the US because they think they’re a choking hazard, so Americans will never know the joy of going to the corner shop and being allowed to get a sweet AND a toy in one. That’s not what I call freedom.