17 August, 2016
39 LEGITIMATE REASONS WHY FOOD IS BETTER THAN SEX
To loosely paraphrase baby-boomer hero Jeff Foxworthy, if you think food is just as amazing as sex, you might be a millennial. At least according to recent data released by Havas Worldwide, which surveyed more than 12,000 adults from all over the world and determined that 54% of millennials find food just as pleasurable as sex. And, that 35% would choose a killer dinner at a restaurant over fornication. It turns out, our generation loves food as much as we hate the crippling student loans that will stifle us for the rest of our professional lives.
On a lighter note, here are some legitimate reasons why we, as a generation, might like food better than fuckin’ — straight from a semi-esteemed, definitely genuine millennial. If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you my college debt.
1. If your pizza doesn’t come in 30 minutes, it’s free.
2. You don’t (usually) sweat when you eat.
3. Paying for food is not only acceptable, it’s polite.
4. Going to dinner with your best friend won’t ruin your relationship.
5. A food baby goes away after a few hours, so you won’t have to support it for 18 years.
6. The only thing pancakes cling to is your stomach lining.
7. If your grandma passed down a handwritten book of sex positions, it would be super weird.
8. No one cries after ravioli, I mean, probably.
9. You don’t have to get naked to eat (you totally can, though).
10. You can’t invite your family over for a nice Sunday orgy .
11. No one breaks up with you if you stop eating to watch Netflix.
12. You’ll never regret a one-night stand with cookie dough.
13. If you get a shit meal, you can send it back to the kitchen.
14. You can order food right to your door.
15. You have really great memories of cooking with your mom.
16. You’ve never had an awkward morning chat with the guacamole you ate last night.
17. You barely have to move while eating.
18. They give food away for free at birthday parties.
19. There are literal buffets of food.
20. If you eat something bad, you never have to see it again.
21. Rarely does dirty food give you the clap.
22. That three-way with Ben and Jerry was definitely no strings attached.
23. You don’t have to shower after tacos. I mean, hopefully.
24. Sriracha is cheaper than lube.
25. Your boss will actually encourage you to eat at your desk.
26. Cookbooks on your coffee table won’t creep people out.
27. You can stop mid-eating to answer a text.
28. You are never stuck eating the same thing for the rest of your life.
29. You don’t have to wait till your cheese turns 18 (or 16 in Alabama) to eat it.
30. Breakfast burritos don’t make you wait three dates to get inside your mouth.
31. You can watch Chopped on your phone in the subway, and no one will call the cops.
32. You can’t break your dick eating a cheeseburger.
33. Grilled cheese is just so uncomplicated.
34. You don’t have to lie and tell your eggs Benedict it was great, even if it was underwhelming and a little runny on the edges.
35. Saying, “Compliments to the chef!” isn’t creepy with food.
36. Your neighbor never complains that you were eating too loud last night.
37. Being a professional chef doesn’t mean your parents are ashamed of you.
38. Funnel cake will never leave you, and your meatball sub will never judge you.
39. You’re probably pretty good at eating.